SIDDHI SACRIFICE 圓滿成就-相互奉獻
GIFT SENSITIVITY 天賦-對需求的敏感性
SHADOW CO-DEPENDENCE 陰暗面-依賴環境( 依賴於彼此的依賴)
THE FUTURE HUMAN BEING 未來的人類
PROGRAMMING PARTNER: 33 RDGENE KEY
PHYSIOLOGY: BODY HAIR
CODON RING: THE RING OF GAIA
AMINO ACID: ISOLEUCINE (19, 60, 61)
THE 19th SHADOW – CO-DEPENDENCE 陰暗面 —— 共同依賴症 (譯註：依賴於別人對自己的依賴， 見共同依賴症 ）
THE GREAT CHANGE
Along with the 49th and the 55th Shadows, the 19 thShadow is perhaps the most topical Shadow of our current age. We are living through a time of unprecedented global mutation. This mutation is on many different levels, from the most physical to the most spiritual. To truly capture the essence of what is occurring to humanity, one needs to look not so much at the spiritual dimension, but at the opposite end of the spectrum — the biogenetic. The mind of man is steeped in causality — as long as we recognise a cause we believe there is a purpose. If you are a geneticist, everything you look at appears to serve the purpose of the evolution of life, whereas if you are a mystic, everything serves the purpose of the evolution of consciousness.
For millennia humanity has tried to understand the purpose of life from the spiritual dimension, but until fairly recently we have not had the ability to understand the purpose of life from the material dimension. With the advent of genetics we are beginning to see the micro-processes that drive evolution itself. A scientist might say that man's spiritual evolution comes about as a result of his biological evolution. The mystic tends to see it the opposite way around. What is fascinating about the scientific view is that it focuses on the lower frequency realms — the realm of matter. The 19 th Shadow represents an aspect of our genome that is currently undergoing an intense mutation. A mutation is a spontaneous and usually sudden quantum leap from one state to another. In genetics, mutations are often the mistakes that happen when genes copy one another. Such mistakes can lead to fascinating new chemical combinations which can in turn lead to the evolution of entirely new forms.
19陰暗面-共同依賴 根植於古代部落, 共同依賴指的是意識的狀態尚不在獨立的狀態. 而獨立指的是只依靠自已, 而共同依賴指的是依靠外在的力量. 原始人依賴自然環境以求取生存, 因為我們依賴這股外在的力量因而將其人格化. 換言之我們創造了一個外在的神來代表這股力量. 因此, 正是因為19陰暗層產生了宗教. 因為我們對外在力量的需求, 使得我們與外在的神是一種相互依賴的關係,.
The 19 thShadow of Co-dependence has its roots deep within our tribal ancestral past. Co-dependence refers to the state of consciousness below independence. To be independent means to rely only upon yourself, whereas to be co-dependent means to rely on outside agencies. As primitives we primarily relied upon nature for our survival and because we relied upon an outside agency we anthropomorphised it. In other words, we created gods to represent that agency. Thus it is out of the 19 thShadow that all the world religions have been born. Our relationship with God or a set of gods is a purely co-dependent relationship because it is based on this need for outside authority. It is here in the 19 thGene Key that one of the great human stories is coded — the story of our relationship to God.
一但我們相信外在的神, 頻率將會停留在19陰暗層. 人們面對苦難是否正向, 需依賴更高的外在權威. 最後這一句話正是受害者的定義, 19所伴隨而來的錯卦33 遺忘 - 透過創造一個外在的神, 使我們遺忘了這股力量就在自己的內在.
As long as man believes in a God outside himself, the frequency of our planet will remain at the level of the 19 thShadow. The vibration of human suffering depends upon the existence of a separate authority of a higher frequency than us. This last sentence is the ultimate definition of what it means to be a victim, which is what characterises the shadow frequency. The programming partner to the 19 th Shadow is the 33 rdShadow of Forgetting. In creating a God out there, we have forgotten the power that lies dormant within us.
The ultimate reliance we have outside ourselves is on food. God has always been about food and food has always been about territory. Food production was based upon tribal territory, which is why the different nations and cultures developed in the first place. But today, at least in the developed world, food no longer has to come from our own tribe. It can be flown in from anywhere in the world. For one thing, our dietary needs are changing as we learn to manipulate our environment with greater efficiency. Through sciences such as nuclear physics and genetics, humanity is beginning to play god more and more and is thus moving from a state of co-dependence to a state of independence. Because we can now outwit the gods with modern technology we no longer need them as much. The more advanced the society, the deeper we question God as an outside agency.
However, the 19 thShadow is currently undergoing a huge genetic mutation, which means that man's reliance on religion is also undergoing a transformation. The old tribal fears of not having enough are dying, and with them the great religions. The breaking of such a deep-seated and ancient co-dependent relationship has powerful repercussions for our world. The old ways must die to the new — such is the purpose of mutation, and the process is one of destruction. Only as the dust finally settles will the new creation become fully realised. The reason all of this can seem so terrifying is that it represents a fork in our evolutionary development in which an entirely new path is opening, a path in which human beings will have to leave behind the old tribal co-dependent ways. The whole world is dividing into those who are becoming more independent, and those who cling to the comfort of the old ways. On a global level we are beginning to see this made manifest now in the battle between globalisation and factionalism — and between science and religion.
For us as individuals, the transformation of the 19 thShadow will see its deepest manifestation in our relationships. The old-style co-dependent relationships of the working husband and the homebound wife are giving way to a new level of independence. The liberation of women is changing the infrastructure of our civilisation and children are increasingly cared for collectively, so that both mother and father retain a higher level of independence. Whether we like this or not it is occurring all across the developed world. Our children are growing up as the children of society rather than the children of a single tribal family. Because of the huge genetic shifts taking place across the board, male/female relationship dynamics are more challenging than ever. A great change is coming, and roles are changing to accommodate the birth of a new paradigm. Although it may be a difficult birth, in the not too distant future the 19 thShadow will have disappeared entirely from our world.
The contemporary mutation moving through this 19 thGene Key is having an unprecedented effect on all life on our planet. As a vital aspect of the Codon Ring of Gaia, along with the 60th and the 61st Gene Keys, it is breaking down the very patterns of the world psyche. The reactive Rigidity of the 60 th Shadow and the Psychosis of the 61 stShadow have long held sway on our planet. A great reaction is occurring within the chemistry of our DNA as the old ways appear to tighten their grip on the only reality they have known. There is enormous fear being generated through the Shadows of this Codon Ring and enormous potential violence as our co-dependence is broken. However, the truth is that all life is and always has been interdependent because all life is one. Even independence is an illusion, and this realisation is bringing an end to the world psychosis that operates out of the 19 thShadow’s low frequency survival-based reality. It is through this Ring of Gaia that we must and will eventually see and will live once again in union with all beings that share this planet earth.
REPRESSIVE NATURE – NEEDY 匱乏
當其運作於壓抑態下, 會以匱乏感及向外執取的方式程現. 他們無法逃離孤單的恐懼, 而創造了一種災難式的關係, 使得他人成為個人需求的受害者. 他們會以很微妙的方式作為一種防衛, 以達到他們的需求, 比如讓對方感到愧疚. 他們需要感覺被需要, 並上演各種肥皂劇以得到他們想要的觀注, 通常這都是無意識下進行的. 他們很善長搏取負面的關注, 不計代價的將對方的能量拉往自身. 即便讓對方產生暴力行為也是一種關注. 跳脫這種模式的唯一方式便是發展獨立.
The repressive nature of the 19 thShadow emerges as neediness or clinging. These are people who cannot let go of the past out of a fear of being alone. This creates catastrophic relationship dynamics based on making other people victims of their need. Repressive natures can be very cunning with the way they transmit their Shadow patterns — these people will very likely use subtle tools such as guilt to get their own needs met. They need to feel needed, and they will act out all kinds of dramas, often totally unconsciously, to get the attention they crave. They are masters of negative attention — drawing other people’s energy towards them without caring what expression it takes. Even violence is a form of attention. The only way to break out of such patterns is to move into independence.
REACTIVE NATURE – ISOLATED 反動態-孤立
當19陰暗面以憤怒作為一種表達時, 便成為了孤立主義者. 這些人拒絕任何關注, 聲稱他們不需要任何人. 他們假裝獨立, 然而表面下卻激蕩著憤怒. 以這種方式孤立自己的人, 總是會在他人面前表現的佷在乎. 他們很重視在他人面前透露自己的孤獨, 以得到觀注, 當他人離開始卻反而更痛苦. 諷刺的是, 當他人試著伸出友誼時, 他們通常會暴怒, 並將積累下來的憤氣投射在其他人身上. 壓抑態與反動態這兩種人創造了典型的失能關係動力 - 共同依賴症
The angry expression of this Gene Key is isolationist. These people refuse any attention, loudly proclaiming that they don’t need anyone. Such a nature only pretends to be independent while beneath the surface they seethe with rage. Of course, people that isolate themselves like this always take great care to do it right before everyone else’s eyes. They make a point of showing you how alone they are, craving the attention it brings them and becoming even more embittered when others leave them alone. Ironically, when others do try and support them or offer them friendship, they usually explode, projecting all their pent up anger onto the other person. It is easy to see how the repressive and the reactive nature together create the perfect dynamic of the typical dysfunctional co-dependent relationship.
THE 19 THGIFT – SENSITIVITY 天賦- 對需求旳感受性
THE WHISPERERS 耳語者
天賦-感受性 關乎於將自己的感受性調節至他人的需要. 為了能夠感受他人的需要, 我們必需不依賴他們. 當我們達成了獨立, 自然的能量就變得明顯了. 19天賦也是一種觸碰(touch)其他生命及能量的天賦, 這些人很多都是帶有天賦的治療師與療癒者, 雖然他不必然是一種實際上的碰觸(touch). 它不單單只是實體上的碰觸, 而是一種對於人及動物心靈上的觸動(touch). 如同我們在陰暗面所學到的, 19陰暗層根植於物質上的需求, 當我們從自身的需求提昇量至更高的頻率時, 我們便能覺察到週遭的需求. 這使得19天賦成了測量環境變化的指示計.
The Gift of Sensitivity is about being highly attuned to the needs of others. In order to be able to sense others and their needs, you must first become independent from them, which is what this 19 thGift is about. The moment you reach the frequency of independence your natural energy becomes apparent. This 19 thGift is also a gift of touch. It does not have to be literal touch, although it can be — many of these people are gifted healers or therapists. It is more than just a physical sense of touch, but a touch with people as well as animals. As we learned from its Shadow, this Gene Key is rooted in material need, and when you elevate the frequency from your own need, you suddenly become aware of the needs of everything and everyone around you. This makes the 19 thGift a great environmental barometer.聯覺在人類中是少有的現像, 它能夠將不同的五感相互連結, 例如影像有味道, 觸覺有顏色. 聯覺是感受性提昇的副產品. 如果我們有19 天賦, 那麼我們很可能會發現自己有潛在的能力, 得以感受環境中的需求及情緒模式. 許多的藝術家及治療師都有這個天賦, 他們能夠透過手指皮膚及毛髲感受到能量場.
There is a rare phenomenon in human beings known as synaesthesia. Synaesthesia is the genetic ability to link different senses internally — for example, to smell with your eyes, or sense colours with your hands. It is actually deeply connected to the 19 thGift and can often be activated when a higher frequency passes through this Gene Key. Synaesthesia is a by-product of increased sensitivity to your sensory environment. If this 19 thGift is an aspect of your hologenetic profile then it is highly possible that you may discover latent abilities that allow you to feel deeply into your environment and in particular to sense the emotional patterns and needs of others through the living auric field. Many artists and healers have these kinds of gifts and can sense the hidden higher energy fields through their fingers or through their skin or hair.能夠以自然的方式感知這股能量場, 使得我們得以全然不同的方式看待世界, 這是個通滿能量起浮, 炫麗 五味雜沉與內在壓力的世界,
Sensing these fields in nature allows you to see a completely different world from most people — a world of energy fluctuations, intense colours, moods and internal pressure patterns. In the deepest sense, the higher frequencies of the 19 thGene Key have access to the realms of magic.
19陰暗層其基底建立於人類依賴外在食物, 而19天賦則將這個觀點轉換至更高的層面, 也就是能量, 古代稱作氣或生命的呼吸(prana). 這層天賦使我們的敏感度得以提昇至連結所有物種的生物能量層次. 當我們能夠打開心去感知自然界豐沛的能量, 我們便能夠畫情緒上獨立.
We may recall that the 19 thShadow finds its basis in the human dependence on external food. The 19 thGift simply shifts this perspective to a higher level. At a higher frequency food is really life energy, or what the ancients called prana or chi. This Gift allows you increased sensitivity to this living bio-energy that connects all creatures. When your heart and being opens to sense the abundance of this energy throughout nature, you become for the first time emotionally independent.
只有當我們激活了DNA內的愛, 我們才能感知到這些更大的存在. 再者, 19Genekey是人類巨變率先在染色體上發生立即影響的地方, 我們由依賴於彼此的依賴一直走向真正的獨立, 從人類文化上我們會看到這種改變逐漸變多. 在早期階段這條路並不容易. 然而我們會突然覺察到自己對環境依賴的傾向. 即便我們己經打開心門迎接巨變(Great Change), 但世界上多數人尚未走在這條路上, 這使得我們不得不承擔巨大的責任, 更別提這有多不舒服了. ?????啥意思
Only the activation of the love inside your own DNA gives you this wider sense of being. Furthermore, because this 19 thGene Key is one of the first places in the human genome where the Great Change is having an immediate impact, the movement from co-dependence to independence is something we see increasingly throughout our human cultures. In its early stages, it is not an easy passage. Suddenly having increased sensitivity to your environment makes you more aware than ever of your old tendencies towards co-dependence. Even though you may have opened your heart to the Great Change, most of the world still has not done so, which puts you in a position of great responsibility, not to mention discomfort.
當人類越來越能覺察到, 依賴 [外在事物以滿足自身需求] 對於環境的破壞, 就越能看到這種對於巨變的反應. 19Genekey 是進入無意識的入口, 特別是集體無意識. 有趣的是, 以自然為生的土著文化中這個Genekey似乎強烈的被激活. 在這樣的部落中, 五感之外的敏感度較高.
We are seeing such responses to the Great Change all across our culture today as human beings become more aware of how much damage our co-dependence is doing to our environment. The 19 th Gene Key is a genetic portal into the unconscious and particularly into the collective unconscious. Interestingly, this Gift seems to have strong activation in cultures that live close to nature such as indigenous cultures. In such tribal groups there has always been an increased sensitivity to those regions that are beyond the five senses. What modern humans often interpret as naivety in such cultures is in fact a heightened genetic sensitivity to the quantum reality of the unconscious. As this Gene Key reawakens in humanity we see changes in our dream life and through this portal we can reconnect with our ancient sense of the magic that comes through dreams. People with the 19 thGift are often shamans because of their increased sensitivity to other worlds and other realms.
The 19 thGene Key is one of three primary portals (along with the 62 ndand the 12 thGene Keys) that allow humanity access to other evolutionary kingdoms within nature. These kingdoms, which have often been referred to as the angelic or devic realms are planes of consciousness that follow a similar evolutionary pattern to humanity, but in parallel dimensions. The 19 thGene Key behaves like a genetic marker in human DNA, and only when you hit a certain genetic frequency does that marker activate the portal allowing information to cross clearly between these parallel worlds. Certain human beings have always been credited (or indeed discredited) with the ability to see faeries or hear voices of spirits or angels. This is a genetic ability that comes specifically through the 19 thGift. Of course, the 19 thShadow also has its low frequency counterparts, which can cause human beings to tune into the lower or subterranean kingdoms often known as the demon realm. As a matter of fact, most human beings are directly influenced by these parallel evolutions whether they realise it or not. Only a higher, virtuous frequency allows you to become independent of these Shadow forces, which otherwise pull you again and again into lower frequency patterns and emotional states.
The 19 thGift has a particularly powerful link with the mammal kingdom. Because it acts as a portal between the unconscious and conscious realms, those who know how to use this portal can access information from other realms apart from the human. Since this Gene Key has evolved from humanity’s relationship to food, it also evolved out of our relationship to nature since traditionally we killed animals for our food, especially mammals. This ancient sacrificial relationship between humans and animals is actually based upon a timeless sacred pact between the two species. Those with sensitivity will know the future destiny of this cross-species contract. Most tribal cultures contain legends of a time when animals and humans were a single consciousness, and in the future this is our eventual destiny — to once again enter the collective quantum field where both humans and animals co-exist.
It is this ancient connection in our DNA between other mammals and humans that is the origin of the whisperers — specially gifted people who can communicate with animals, or who can act as a bridge between entirely different species. Such people can tune into the ancestral gene pools of certain species and often feel a profound connection to nature at a deeper level than ordinary people. In tribal societies, the shaman’s specific skill was to bridge the ancestral spirit behind the tribe to the individuals within the tribe. This is a direct reflection of the function of the 19 thGift. People with these gifts have always been humanity’s natural interpreters of other realms. Their increased awareness of the energetic pathways and portals between all realms, material, emotional, mental and divine, mark them as pioneers and initiators into these magical realms.
In today’s world, people with the 19 thGift are likely to use their sensitivity in any field where people are working together in groups. Their ability to unconsciously sense the needs of others means that they are often seen as psychic. However, they can also be very grounded in the reality of the needs of the material plane — for example they can use their heightened sensitivity to bring balance to the spheres of money, work and relationships. In fact their very presence brings focus to these kinds of issues. This Gift truly spans all realms and its future function, as we shall see, is to collapse the barriers that separate them thus fusing together the ancient magical realms with the modern material plane.
THE 19 THSIDDHI – SACRIFICE
THE FIFTH INITIATION – THE ANNUNCIATION
The path of frequency through the 19 thGift goes from co-dependence to independence and finally to interdependence. Interdependence represents a quantum leap beyond the other two, and its realisation is the future destiny of our species. In many ways, it is the 19 thShadow of Co-dependence that contains the seed of the 19 thSiddhi of Sacrifice. In a co-dependent relationship, both partners have sacrificed a part of their true selves to the relationship, and the resulting lack of synthesis they feel drives the negative patterns of the relationship. In a relationship that is truly interdependent, both partners also sacrifice their sense of individuality into a higher vision of their Divinity, holding nothing back for themselves at all. The true meaning of interdependence is about entering into a state of union with all beings in the cosmos, which involves the death of the separate self. This kind of sacrifice can only occur when you give your heart unconditionally to another. Instead of dying, you are actually reborn as a higher dimensional being. In surrendering your smaller self, you attain realisation of your greater Self.
Through the 19 thGene Key you can see how each level of frequency has to transcend itself entirely. Once humans overcome their co-dependence on outside agencies, they finally achieve independence. Likewise, once they attain independence, they have to take another great leap — to give up their hard-earned independence and trust in the totality itself. This surrender to the collective structure involves sacrifice at the highest level of the word’s meaning. This is the sacrifice of your separate identity, and perhaps far more frightening for the separate self, it is the sacrifice of your body. The 19 thSiddhi shares a profound connection with the 49 thSiddhi of Rebirth. These two Siddhis represent the key mystical process that will eventually overtake the human species. Great secrets are held within the world’s great myths, and here we can see the myth of sacrifice — the Norse Odin hanging upside down on the world tree, or Christ hanging on the cross. All sacrificial myths lead to a rebirth, and all such myths are anthropomorphises of deep genetic secrets hidden within human DNA.
As we have seen, this 19 thGene Key has a deep connection with the animal kingdoms. Humanity has evolved out of the animal realm. We are the result of a series of genetic mutations that took place in primates and finally led to the creation of a new species — Homo sapiens. Through this 19 thSiddhi you can see how consciousness has travelled through form after form, each time creating a more complex form in order to house a higher frequency than the previous one. At every level within this chain, the higher form has lived off the form below it in order to keep evolving. Life is thus a living chain of sacrifice. Earth is really the breeding ground for a series of genetic leaps that parallel the awakening of our full spiritual realisation. Our awareness is like a series of Russian dolls — as we make each leap in awareness, we come to realise we are housed within a wider framework than we had previously understood. There are a total of nine dimensions that our earth has to move through, and as we pass through each of these initiations, we have to sacrifice our smaller, local self before finally being born as a true universal human being.
Consciousness is now beginning to outstrip man and is reaching out for a higher form. But the new form must emerge out of the old one, so deep within human DNA new mutations are being triggered. This is one of the main reasons for the vast population explosion on the planet — our genes require the maximum diversity in order to trigger a genetic mutation potent enough to reshape Homo sapiens into something quite different. It is also the reason why so many new diseases are emerging through our DNA. They are all early mutations — precursors of what is to follow. Through the 19 thSiddhi it is not only the individual that must sacrifice him or herself into the whole, but also the whole human species that must be sacrificed. Everything we see happening in the world around us — from pollution to global warming to wars and social upheaval — is a result of the profound genetic process we are undergoing.
For those with the 19 thSiddhi the focus is always on the future needs of humanity rather than the current needs. These people understand what is to come as well as what we must go through. Such people stand alone as heralds of a future consciousness and their lives are a magnificent example of sacrifice to that consciousness. They emerge during times of great mutation, since they themselves are in the grip of that mutation. With their hypersensitive mutated DNA, they see the new form emerging and do their utmost to prepare people for the coming consciousness shift. They are highly sensitised bridges to the new human and have the ability to siphon information about the new paradigm from behind the veil of the future into the present. Every Siddhi has to make its sacrifice in this way, because each of them represents a being from the future that works in the present. The 19 thSiddhi contains the secrets of mystical initiation. Every aspect of the earth’s consciousness must move through the nine portals of initiation before our collective planetary evolution comes to an end. Each of these initiations is explored in more depth within the 22 ndGene Key.
THE NINE PORTALS OF PLANETARY INITIATION1. Birth 2. Baptism 3. Confirmation 4. Matrimony 5. Annunciation 6. Communion 7. Ordination 8. Sanctification 9. Glorification
Each initiation brings us into a wider awareness of our interdependence with the whole. When the 19 th Siddhi manifests in form, then a great being makes an individual sacrifice on behalf of the whole. This is the mystery and hidden meaning of the life of Christ. Through an individual’s sacrifice, the 19 thSiddhi allows the entire collective to pass through a group initiation. We can see how the Christian rites hold the codes of the great initiations, even though they have been effectively frozen into structures that have little or nothing to do with the initiations themselves, which occur organically and usually over the course of many incarnations. The Ring of Gaia then, of which this Gene Key is a vital aspect, connects all earth beings on this same initiatory journey. As the ultimate form manifestation of Gaia, humanity stands on the cusp of one of the greatest initiations — the fifth initiation of The Annunciation. Mystically speaking, this great initiation has to do with the conception of a holy child within the body of humanity. Thus the whole of humanity must sacrifice its independence for a higher vision.
This mystical Annunciation can only take place through the Synarchy, the communion of evolved souls who collectively pioneer this great sacrificial impulse. The 19 thSiddhi will be one of the first Siddhis that awakens in man at a collective level. As soon as the great mutation has occurred within humanity and we pass through the Fifth Initiation, we will see what kind of shift has taken place. One of the traits of the new human will be an incredible sensitivity that is far beyond being psychic. The awareness in such a being will not recognise itself as being separate from other human beings, thus they will work for all of humanity without caring for themselves. Although we call that sacrifice it is not so for them, since they will know no other way to live. This 19 thSiddhi is a herald of the future forms that will house higher frequencies of consciousness, and as such it displays the great inadequacy of our language. Just as our language has evolved out of our reliance on the five senses, future forms will operate through entirely different languages. Current human language is auditory, but future forms will communicate through their environment using a sense that is closer to what we call touch. This is the true language of Gaia — the interconnective auric tissue that brings all beings of the planetary sphere into full awareness of their inherent unity.
from https://www.psychalive.org/fantasy-bond/
Fantasy Bond
What is a fantasy bond?
The concept of the fantasy bond was introduced by psychologist and author of The Fantasy Bond, Dr. Robert Firestone. In his book, Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice, Dr. Firestone explains the fantasy bond as follows:
Generally speaking, the single most important factor that contributes to the deterioration of love and friendship in a relationship is the formation of a fantasy bond. People who develop this type of destructive bond often deceive themselves and each other by imagining that they still love each other long after their feelings of love, affection, and friendship have diminished or disappeared altogether. Understanding the concept of the fantasy bond helps answer questions that all of us have asked at one time or another, “ Why did this love affair die?” or “Why did this marriage fail?”
Why is it that many people find comfort and security in fantasy and turn away from the real satisfaction and happiness they could have in genuinely loving relationships? The answer lies in childhood. All children, to varying degrees, suffer emotional pain and anxiety in the process of growing up. In families where the parents are unable to provide the love and affection as well as the direction and guidance necessary to meet their child’s needs or to enhance his or her development, the child forms an illusion of being at one with the mother or primary caregiver as a substitute for what is missing in the environment. Children develop a false sense of being totally self-sufficient by relying on this fantasy to partly relieve their pain, anxiety, and hunger. They feel as though they are a complete system within themselves, made up of the nurturing parent and the needy child.
The more seriously deprived or rejected we were as children, the more we tend to create this fantasy and believe that we need no one but ourselves. Later, as adults, we resist real closeness and genuine love from other people and are reluctant to take another chance in an intimate relationship. We are afraid that if we take the risk, we will be exposed to the same depth of anxiety, fear, and emotional pain that we were trying to escape when we originally formed the fantasy bond, at a time when we were helpless and dependent. So we form a fantasy of being close and loving, of being connected to our partner, just as we imagined we were connected to our parents. We repeat the patterns of the past and avoid taking a chance on having a real relationship with another person. It seems that many people would rather repeat the same pattern, which feels familiar and somehow safe, than take a chance on something new.
However, we can act courageously and break this self-protective habit, and let someone else into our lives. And when we do, we will be open to the real intimacy, warmth, or affection that is available to us.
The Fantasy Bond: A substitute for a truly loving relationship
Defenses formed in childhood hurt adult relationships.
Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance. Destructive fantasy bonds, which exist in a large majority of relationships, greatly reduce the possibility couples achieving intimacy.
The nature of a fantasy bond is the central concept of my theory as explained in my book The Fantasy Bond. It explains people’s compulsion to relive the past with new relationships i.e., to form illusory connections that invariably lead to a reenactment of defensive styles of interacting developed in childhood. This process of reverting to outmoded defense patterns interferes with the establishment of secure and satisfying adult relationships characterized by feelings of humanity, compassion, and equality. Once a fantasy bond is formed, individuals prefer to maintain a defensive posture rather than trusting and investing genuine feeing in others. Once having been hurt, they are reluctant to take a chance again and this defensive pattern has an insidious effect on couple and family relations.
Men and women are most likely to become romantically involved at a stage in their lives where they are breaking dependent emotional ties with their families and experiencing a sense of separateness and independence. As they reach out and risk more of themselves emotionally, they tend to attract others with their vitality and enthusiasm. In the first stages of the relationship, they tend to let down their defenses and are open and vulnerable.
While this state of being in love is volatile and exciting, at the same time it can be frightening. The fear of loss or abandonment as well as the poignant sadness often evoked by positive emotions may become difficult to tolerate, especially for those who have suffered from a lack of love in their early lives. At the point these individuals begin to feel anxious or frightened, they retreat from feeling close, gradually giving up the most valued aspects of their relationships, forming a fantasy bond.
By the time most people reach adulthood, they have solidified their defenses and exist in a psychological equilibrium that they do not wish to disturb. Although they may be relatively congenial with more casual acquaintances, there is a deterioration in friendly and respectful feelings as a relationship becomes more meaningful and intimate, because the new love object now threatens to disrupt this balance by penetrating their basic defenses.
A fantasy bond is the antithesis of a healthy personal relationship where individuals are free to express their real feelings and desires. This destructive tie functions to perpetuate feelings of distrust, self-hating thought processes, and the inward behavior patterns that each person brings to the relationship. In their destructive coupling, men and women surrender their unique points of view for an illusion of safety.
Perhaps the most significant sign that a fantasy bond has been formed is when one or both partners give up vital areas of personal interest, their unique points of view and opinions, their individuality, to become a unit, a whole. The attempt to find security in an illusion of merging with another leads to an insidious and progressive loss of identity in each person. The individuals involved learn to rely more and more on habitual contact, with less and less personal feeling. They find life increasingly hollow and empty as they give up more aspects of their personalities.
There are a number of steps that individual partners can initiate to break into the fantasy bond they have formed with each other. Partners can:
(1) admit the existence of a fantasy bond. Stop denying that they have become distant and their actions are no longer loving
(2) reveal feelings of anger, hostility, and withholding patterns and admit critical, hostile attitudes toward themselves and their partner
(3) face the psychological pain and sadness involved in attempting to reestablish intimacy
(4) expose their fears of individuation and separation, including the fear of loss or death of their partner as well as their own death
(5) move toward independence and respect for each other and establish true equality. Disrupt reciprocal patterns of dominance, submission, and defiance
(6) develop a non-defensive posture toward feedback and an open and honest style of communication
(7) move toward increased interaction with others–extend circle of family and friends to provide better reality testing
(7) move toward increased interaction with others–extend circle of family and friends to provide better reality testing
Positive change takes place only when the fantasy bond in the original family is investigated and its reestablishment is challenged in the current relationship. As fantasy bonds were understood and relinquished, the individuals in a relationship manifest new energy, self-possession, and vitality and are able to become loving companions and allies.
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